Aside from going to the Humane Society and making the mistake of going into the cat room where I started tearing up because A) I miss my cats back home B) they were so cute and C) I realized how lonely I was without a pet…I got back home and called my mom and started crying hard. “I feel so stupid, but I miss them so much!”. I joked about adopting one and sneaking it into the dorm, but I might just talk to my boss about it instead, and see if I can do the ‘therapy cat’ thing, for anxiety and what not…not sure if I can swing it, but it never hurts to try. I just need something to cuddle with and love.
But along with realizing that I was lonely, I figured out what I want and need out of a relationship…
My friend told me the guy that I slept with - Jay - is “morbidly depressed, like he just lays on our couch and says how he thinks he is going to die in a few days”. I don’t want that emotional dependency. I can’t handle that! I’ve known that about myself since high school, I don’t do clingy. And the cute boy with good morning texts - D? He’s exhibiting clingy signs. Shucks.
But I also realized I want someone who not only challenges themselves, but me as well. In their career, community, goals, and thoughts. Who is comfortable with a night home, but who never settles, who loves mini adventures, and can see beauty in every day. With a never ending, child-like appreciation and curiosity. I look at my male art professors, and often think “I would love to marry a man like that one day” - that’s not me crushing on them, but theirqualities, their way of thinking.
I don’t want to say I’m getting “too old for that shit”, but that phrase keeps coming to me. I refuse to settle for anything less than a relationship that makes me grow, because I have been stagnant too long on my own. And I want something that lasts.