Dear You,

                When I said I didn’t have romantic feelings or couldn’t see myself developing any for you, that was before that night you kind of got deep, asking when the last time someone held me was. But I didn’t see myself feeling butterflies or anxiety to see you, the need to gush to everyone about you, or light up when you’re around. You were just easy to be around. And I told myself that the lack of butterflies meant lack of interest in you aside from sexual, friends with benefits.

                It wasn’t really until you started talking about Kristin that I questioned this, because I started getting jealous she caught your attention and got your time. I wanted that. I should have known that it meant I wanted you. But I told myself I was just jealous because you’re the first person in a long time to be so genuine, where there weren’t any expectations. Even the other night where we napped on your couch for an hour before you worked, you were running your thumb across my foot and I realized how badly I wanted someone to do that with on a regular basis. I still wouldn’t say I wanted to do it with you on a regular basis.

                But last night, asking you your worst qualities, I kept thinking how bad I wanted to kiss you. To lean across and cut you off mid-word. It was my own fault, I crossed a line to where I was finding out more than that you like Chinese, biting and scratching, or Colbie Caillat. I was finding out who you ARE and that is more dangerous than anything.

                Then I asked you why you think we’d kill each other, and my psych major part of my brain noted that you pointed out that I was the one who said there were no romantic feelings, and also that you didn’t think long before you spoke. Stupid hopeless romantic idealist me says “that means you’ve thought about it before, at least a little…”

                Finally, lying next to you in bed I wanted to curl into you but didn’t want to cross a line, not knowing where you stood. But you crossed it for me, and my body couldn’t help but run in overdrive at the slightest touch. You’re also the only person in a while who has been able to do that to me. I think Jake and maybe Dustin have been the only others who have worked me up so easily.

                I think I switched the order of those last two paragraphs, but either way, what I’m trying to say is even though I said I wouldn’t have romantic feelings for you, I still WANT you. The ability to cook dinner with you, kiss your lips, neck, and play with your lip ring, delve deeper into who you are, and just touch you without questioning if I was crossing a line or being too obvious…

                When Lucas started kissing me, or my neck and chest, I was thinking of you and how I missed the way you could ignite my entire body with a few touches, the way you bit my lip, or the sounds you make when I run my tongue over your ear. And the reason I asked what you wished for at MIA? I made a wish too…it wasn’t a coherent sentence, but I remember wanting at least one more time with you, or more honestly…just you. The majority of the trip that’s what I thought about.

I don’t know why I’ve written so much, or why I’ve decided to do it now (or at all) but I figured with the manipulative, lying women you’ve dealt with recently, at least one should be honest with you.

1. TWELVE HOURS OF SLEEP THE LAST FOUR DAYS, AND THAT WAS ALL YESTERDAY!
2. FORTY DOLLARS OF FABRIC AND STICKERS FROM CRAFTS DIRECT. IMMA MAKE SO MANY CLUTCHES AND FUN THINGS!
3. I’VE BEEN PINNING CHRISTMAS AND PAPER CRAFTS FOR THE LAST HALF HOUR.
4. I’VE HAD A TUMBLER OF COFFEE.
5. GOING TO EVENTUALLY WATCH SEASON FIVE OF MERLIN AND LIVE BLOG WITH BEST FRIEND IN ENGLAND.
6. SHE JUST TOLD ME HER NEIGHBORS SHOWER CAUGHT FIRE…WHILE SOMEONE WAS IN IT.
7. I HAVE MY FUTURE TATTOOS PLANNED OUT!!!!
8. NADA SURF TICKETS BOUGHT FOR MY BIRTHDAY. AND I HAVE A DATE, WHO OFFERED TO BUY ME A DRINK, AT THE CONCERT, ON MY BIRTHDAY, WITH ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS.
9. I AM PISS ASS BROKE NOW FOR THE NEXT TWO PAY PERIODS BUT I WILL EARN AT LEAST $250 OVER THE NEXT FOUR DAYS WHICH IS A FORTUNE COMPARED TO MY $55 EVERY TWO WEEKS.
10. YES THIS ALL HAD TO BE IN CAPS!

Started out my day on four hours of sleep, woke up at 10:15 for a meeting at 11, no problem. Went for breakfast, forgot they stopped serving at 10:30. Strike one.

Finished meeting, got a call from my mom, and during phone conversation, had STRONG scent of marijuana waft into my room from adjacent room. Called Public Safety right away and ended up with an hour and a half incident on my hands. Strike two and three.

Started getting cranky and drained, even after three cups of coffee. Strike four.

Was ready to help friend pick out present for her mother’s birthday, from the two of us. After finishing incident by 2:30, she wasn’t ready until 3:45 and I had class at 5. It only took us ten minutes to find a gift. The woman at the store took 15-20 minutes to hand wrap each of the five glasses, pack them in a box, and wrap it with a childish “Happy Birthday” gift wrap. Strike five.

Had to listen to a math equation in order to figure out error analysis in an education course, while sitting still for three hours. Strike five and six. (I already hate math you fucker)

Was told “As it turns out, I’m not your Mr. Darcy, but I hope we can do some sweet art projects and chill this year” by Paul, the one I was holding out for. Strike…seven?

Lame ass friend was making up excuses to not drive to get alcohol. Strike eight.

Told by another guy that he can hardly look at his ex girlfriend without it hurting, so he goes to the gym a lot to distract himself. Or, you know, join a dating website. Where he met me. And has been talking to me for the past month or so. I told him I was interested in him tonight, and it was a shame he was further away than I’d like, he just said “well that’s good :)”. So yes, use me as a distraction. Strike nine and ten.

Feeling like a sack of second-best shit, drinking alone in my friends room, strike eleven, twelve, thirteen.

Becoming a sobbing mess, alone. Strike fourteen.

Boy-using-me-as-a-distraction trying to apologize? Strike fifteen.
Me handing everything to him about how I always pick the wrong guys, when I’m just looking for someone who doesn’t settle and challenges themselves? Strike sixteen, seventeen, eighteen.

And that was before midnight, everyone.

Aside from going to the Humane Society and making the mistake of going into the cat room where I started tearing up because A) I miss my cats back home B) they were so cute and C) I realized how lonely I was without a pet…I got back home and called my mom and started crying hard. “I feel so stupid, but I miss them so much!”. I joked about adopting one and sneaking it into the dorm, but I might just talk to my boss about it instead, and see if I can do the ‘therapy cat’ thing, for anxiety and what not…not sure if I can swing it, but it never hurts to try. I just need something to cuddle with and love.

But along with realizing that I was lonely, I figured out what I want and need out of a relationship…
My friend told me the guy that I slept with - Jay - is “morbidly depressed, like he just lays on our couch and says how he thinks he is going to die in a few days”. I don’t want that emotional dependency. I can’t handle that! I’ve known that about myself since high school, I don’t do clingy. And the cute boy with good morning texts - D? He’s exhibiting clingy signs. Shucks.
But I also realized I want someone who not only challenges themselves, but me as well. In their career, community, goals, and thoughts. Who is comfortable with a night home, but who never settles, who loves mini adventures, and can see beauty in every day. With a never ending, child-like appreciation and curiosity. I look at my male art professors, and often think “I would love to marry a man like that one day” - that’s not me crushing on them, but theirqualities, their way of thinking.

I don’t want to say I’m getting “too old for that shit”, but that phrase keeps coming to me. I refuse to settle for anything less than a relationship that makes me grow, because I have been stagnant too long on my own. And I want something that lasts.

I hate math. I hate mathxl. I’m to the point of nearly throwing my laptop across the room and crying, but I have a half hour to finish a bunch of assignments because I’m an idiot and procrastinate.
There’s Jay, who I slept with on Thursday, and now he’s asking my friend about me, and texts me every day. He doesn’t speak a lot of English very well, and he smokes a lot of weed. I feel like I made a mistake there. I need to stop asking my friend for relationship advice, or telling her that I’m lonely…I felt so pressured to sleep with him when it came down to it. And now I feel like I’m being the bad person by not wanting to do it again…She has such shitty relationships herself, I don’t want to wind up in that position. I refuse.
But there’s a nice boy - E - but he is in Iowa, about five hours away.
I’ve also woken up to three “good morning” texts from a boy - D - in the cities the past few days, and it’s kind of adorable. But he said he moved to California with his last girlfriend, because he’s the type to do anything for someone. That’s a small red flag in the back of my head.
I am still holding out for Paul, even though he only texts me when he is high and feeling creative…he still kind of takes my breath away when I look at him sometimes. And it was so chill when we hung out…He said he doesn’t like texting, maybe I should just call him?
Jake keeps haunting me because there’s a boy in my photo class who looks similar.
All these attractive, interesting, nice guys from the dating site live in the Twin Cities. Why the fuck did I move to a college town an hour and a half north?! Ugh.

I’m so lonely and sexually frustrated and upset with math that I might cry.
God damn hormones.

Do you know that feeling you get, when you’re way too excited about something and there’s that little voice in the back of your head telling yourself to slow down, take a breath, and just wait it out?

And you just want to strangle it?

But then it sneaks up on you and tackles you to the ground, and you escape.

And then the voice is right. And you’re so defeated and afraid that you vow to never get excited about anything again?

Well…this is what’s going on in my brain right now. And my chest. I’m full of self doubt and anxiety and disbelief and hope. And all I can think is that I like the word and.

So much for this whole “get shit done” thing during spring break. FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU.

Also, I hate trying to construct my mental image for an artwork. It never turns out how I want it to. Probably due to procrastination. Or just my frustration and short amount of patience. Or the whole process of how I make art and just wing it.

I have no idea how I’m going to incorporate my facepaint job from the other night into this piece, to work with the sculpture and paper cutting.

The hockey residents on my floor are arrogant douche bags but I still swoon every time I make eye contact with one from a different floor (RA Problem #3: Sexy Residents) even though he has a girlfriend. Eye candy is acceptable. (Too bad I can’t find anything more than that)

Trying to figure out if I’m staying here for the summer or going back home. Either way, I need a job for three months.

I’ve been PMSing for the last three weeks now. WHEN THE HELL AM I GETTING MY PERIOD, MOTHER NATURE?!!!!! THESE CHOCOLATE CRAVINGS NEED TO GO AWAY, NOW. (Or I need some double chocolate fudge ice cream, stat)

Well, the boy is kind of flaky/uncommunicative. He is also way too shy and doesn’t seem to have direction in life, aside from working at a gas station and wanting to go for psychology. But he thinks psychology means being nice to people constantly. Too much of a pacifistic.

Maybe I’m making excuses or my expectations are too high, but I want a guy who is more adventurous and sure of himself. Not cocky, just confident, and has a firm idea what he wants out of life.