When I said I didn’t have romantic feelings or couldn’t see myself developing any for you, that was before that night you kind of got deep, asking when the last time someone held me was. But I didn’t see myself feeling butterflies or anxiety to see you, the need to gush to everyone about you, or light up when you’re around. You were just easy to be around. And I told myself that the lack of butterflies meant lack of interest in you aside from sexual, friends with benefits.
It wasn’t really until you started talking about Kristin that I questioned this, because I started getting jealous she caught your attention and got your time. I wanted that. I should have known that it meant I wanted you. But I told myself I was just jealous because you’re the first person in a long time to be so genuine, where there weren’t any expectations. Even the other night where we napped on your couch for an hour before you worked, you were running your thumb across my foot and I realized how badly I wanted someone to do that with on a regular basis. I still wouldn’t say I wanted to do it with you on a regular basis.
But last night, asking you your worst qualities, I kept thinking how bad I wanted to kiss you. To lean across and cut you off mid-word. It was my own fault, I crossed a line to where I was finding out more than that you like Chinese, biting and scratching, or Colbie Caillat. I was finding out who you ARE and that is more dangerous than anything.
Then I asked you why you think we’d kill each other, and my psych major part of my brain noted that you pointed out that I was the one who said there were no romantic feelings, and also that you didn’t think long before you spoke. Stupid hopeless romantic idealist me says “that means you’ve thought about it before, at least a little…”
Finally, lying next to you in bed I wanted to curl into you but didn’t want to cross a line, not knowing where you stood. But you crossed it for me, and my body couldn’t help but run in overdrive at the slightest touch. You’re also the only person in a while who has been able to do that to me. I think Jake and maybe Dustin have been the only others who have worked me up so easily.
I think I switched the order of those last two paragraphs, but either way, what I’m trying to say is even though I said I wouldn’t have romantic feelings for you, I still WANT you. The ability to cook dinner with you, kiss your lips, neck, and play with your lip ring, delve deeper into who you are, and just touch you without questioning if I was crossing a line or being too obvious…
When Lucas started kissing me, or my neck and chest, I was thinking of you and how I missed the way you could ignite my entire body with a few touches, the way you bit my lip, or the sounds you make when I run my tongue over your ear. And the reason I asked what you wished for at MIA? I made a wish too…it wasn’t a coherent sentence, but I remember wanting at least one more time with you, or more honestly…just you. The majority of the trip that’s what I thought about.
I don’t know why I’ve written so much, or why I’ve decided to do it now (or at all) but I figured with the manipulative, lying women you’ve dealt with recently, at least one should be honest with you.